to return, once again

It’s a new start, a comfortable return, and an uncertain future, returning to university. I have done this all before. I have met new people and tried new things.

This is not new to me.

And perhaps that is the very problem.

I know the struggles and problems and successes and failures that each accompany these odd, and yet important, years of my life.

I know that I struggle to let go. I know that I like comfort over adventure and return to the easy life of routine to avoid getting hurt. I do not try new things, and I let too much time go by while I make lists about all that I could and should do. I do not experience the vividness and adventure that lies just beyond my fingertips. Too afraid of failure, I do not stretch far.

I live in a world of dreams. But dreams they always remain, because I know not how to make them a reality.

And so as I return to the playground of my young adulthood, I do not know how to feel about this experience. Do I try, as hard as I can, for the future? Do I try, as hard as I can, to LIVE right here and now?

Time does not dull the fears I have. Time helps me deal with them. But now I have a new set of fears. I fear I have wasted time. And I fear that I will continue to do so.

How do I live while remaining myself?

So this return is not the naive entrance into a foreign field. This is an entrance, with excitement and fear, to a place that is well known- in all of its failures and successes.

 

for the newbies

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I wish I would have known last year. 

I wish I could have known that it was going to be hard. But that was to be expected. 

I wish I knew that college makes you pretty damn lazy. 

So here are some things that I hope someone can read before she goes:

1. Leggings are the greatest gifts women have ever received (and this coming from a girl who thought that leggings as pants was, can I say, trashy?

2. College boys are like still boys. Huh. Who knew. 

3. Put down the books and do something spontaneous and stupid. You’ll remember that far longer. 

4. But don’t BE stupid. Have fun but don’t regret stuff.

6. Have movie nights and watch movies you’d never watch (for me, cheesy musical chick flicks….)

7. Try something new. Learn to take the bus around town. 

8. Be friendly even when you just want to be grumpy

9. Don’t deny who you are because professors or roommates or anyone tells you to. If you like geeky crap, LOVE it. If church brings you peace, go to church. If you are the only girl on your floor who loves football but can’t watch the Super Bowl b/c roommates are watching chick flicks on the TV that YOU brought from home, watch it in your room over a bowl of Mac and Cheese on your laptop. 

10. Have fun. You will walk out of your last final in the spring and be so confused that you are DONE. 

You are going to go to amazing places. Don’t go past them so fast that you don’t realize that you are there. 

i’m so good at this

I’m really good at this blogging thing. Look!! One post every year so far.

huh.

pathetic much?

—–

Sophomore year now. Life is crazy. And fast. And intimidating.

I don’t like this very much.

At the beginning of summer, I wanted nothing more than to go away to school. And now, I do not want to have to go back.

——

And this year, I am going to write out a bucket list of sorts.

‘Cause I don’t  want to leave this year without having done everything I can do to LIVE dammit.

LIVE.

 

oh the places i’ll go…. i think.

I think. I tend to think a lot. People tend to tell me that I think too much; I am a worrier. About life, about my future, just about how everything is supposed to happen. And then I get stuck doing the menial, everyday type of activities that make up a person’s life. And I worry about them, because what if those every day sort of activities define my future and what I want to do?

One of the things in my life that I have to, is that I have to GO. I have to travel, and see, and experience, and learn….and stretch myself to be someone who is different, or maybe just realize that I am me. And then……then, I get stuck in language classes a level above where I am right now. And boy, oh, boy. Isn’t that exciting? Words and tenses and phrases that I do not know. And yet I want to learn it? Idiot….

But yeah I do. ‘Cause I’m trying to remember that there are places that I want to go and people I want to meet and if I want to? Then I need to do the tedious and the menial tasks because I’m looking ahead to something much more fun and much more adventurous.

Oh the places I’ll go…. and you bet I’m gonna get there. But I have to be where I am right now first.

But I’m not an optimist and a “let me smile ’cause life’s jolly” person. So to make myself truly happy and satisfied….. UGGGHHH.

Okay. Breathing. Breathing……