to return, once again

It’s a new start, a comfortable return, and an uncertain future, returning to university. I have done this all before. I have met new people and tried new things.

This is not new to me.

And perhaps that is the very problem.

I know the struggles and problems and successes and failures that each accompany these odd, and yet important, years of my life.

I know that I struggle to let go. I know that I like comfort over adventure and return to the easy life of routine to avoid getting hurt. I do not try new things, and I let too much time go by while I make lists about all that I could and should do. I do not experience the vividness and adventure that lies just beyond my fingertips. Too afraid of failure, I do not stretch far.

I live in a world of dreams. But dreams they always remain, because I know not how to make them a reality.

And so as I return to the playground of my young adulthood, I do not know how to feel about this experience. Do I try, as hard as I can, for the future? Do I try, as hard as I can, to LIVE right here and now?

Time does not dull the fears I have. Time helps me deal with them. But now I have a new set of fears. I fear I have wasted time. And I fear that I will continue to do so.

How do I live while remaining myself?

So this return is not the naive entrance into a foreign field. This is an entrance, with excitement and fear, to a place that is well known- in all of its failures and successes.

 

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